


The Vows We Make

by OnlyLove13



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Romance, faith - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-11-18
Packaged: 2017-12-16 16:45:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/864288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyLove13/pseuds/OnlyLove13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sister Bernadette's inner war with her feelings. Faith, love and friendship are all hard to maintain.</p>
<p>Ties in with the show, S2 E5 onwards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

The memory of his lips on her hand was fresh in her mind. It was like watching action with time going slow, he was walking away through the hall and out of the door as she watched. Her breathing laboured and her hand tingling from the remnants of warmth and the returning sting of pain. Everything within her hurt, she placed a hand on her chest and slow hot tears trailed her cheeks, her world falling in on itself. How could this be happening?  
Sister Bernadette walked slowly through the crowd back to Nonnatus House being careful to avoid the others still enjoying their day. The emotions within her made the rest of the fair pointless to her and she longed to be back in the chapel on her knees praying. She felt queasy and her chest ached but not with a pain so easily cured but medical practice. She reached home without remembering the walk and put her bag down in the doorway. Walking slowly she moved to the kitchen and got a glass of water that she gulped down. Her eyes felt swollen and sticky from crying so she rubbed them softly, careful not to move her wounded hand too much.

As she walked up the stairs she looked at the graze, it had started clotting and would be fine in a few days. She wondered what had made her agree to let Doctor Turner look at it; she knew it would be okay. 

She stood in the hallway and closed her eyes watching Doctor Turner take her hand slowly tracing his fingers across her palm. The way it tickled slightly and left a tingling pathway. She remembers vividly the moment he closed his eyes slowly and gently kissed her hand. It had been too much and she panicked. She remembered looking at the blackboard of the kitchen; barely realising she had turned from him. The moment she thought about it she longed to turn back but knew she couldn’t, or at least shouldn’t.

She couldn’t lie to him either; she wanted him to know it was not his actions that resulted with her back to him but her confusion and her God. His fast paced steps away from her and out of the hall still haunted her as she slowly started moving. Her heart beat fast and she remembered the sense of loss his leaving had caused. How could she feel this? Why would He do this?

On reaching her room, Sister Bernadette picked up her Bible and slowly flicked it to the page she needed, ‘Psalm 57’ slowly she read each line, feeling it from her heart as she pleaded with God.

“ ˡ Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast.”

She felt her eyes fill with previously unshed tears. Slowly they fell one by one.

“2 I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me.”

She squinted at the page as her tears fell, knowing the words she was reading were everything she believed and yet wondered why they hurt so much.

“3 He shall send from heaven, and save me from the reproach of him that would swallow me up. Selah. God shall send forth his mercy and his truth.”

She paused at this. Wishing and praying as hard as she could. She mediated on God’s promise of mercy and yet felt no relief. Her tears still fell.

“4 My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword.”

The tears were less frequent now and her chest heaved as she breathed. She lifted her Bible a little straighter and carried on reading trying to find solace in the words written so long ago but that she knew were still as true as ever.

“5 Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens; let thy glory be above all the earth.  
6 They have prepared a net for my steps; my soul is bowed down: they have digged a pit before me, into the midst whereof they are fallen themselves. Selah.  
7 My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise.  
8 Awake up, my glory; awake, psaltery and harp: I myself will awake early.  
9 I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: I will sing unto thee among the nations.  
10 For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds.  
11 Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth.”  
She closed the book and wiped her cheeks clearing them of any evidence of tears. She smiled slightly feeling a bit better. Her head still spun and her heart still ached but she knew she wasn’t alone and had a guide she could turn to.

Placing her book on the bedside table, Sister Bernadette stood and straightened her habit. She breathed in deeply and sighed. Then she left her room and walked the familiar root to the chapel.

Standing opposite the stained glass windows she looked up at the figures. The colours still mesmerised her, even after all the time she had spent there. She looked at the cross and subconsciously clasped her own wooden cross hanging from her neck. It wasn’t an easy life, and it wasn’t an easy decision but when she had first come here she knew peace like she had never thought possible.

She was thinking and praying and so much in her own world she didn’t hear anyone enter the chapel until they spoke.

“Sister?”

Turning, Sister Bernadette was faced with Sister Julienne’s worried face and kind eyes.

“Sister, what is troubling you?” Sister Julienne walked over to her and took her hands. Before she could stop herself Sister Bernadette felt hot tears falling down her cheeks again.


	2. Chapter Two

Sister Bernadette could barely speak as she tried to voice something, anything to alleviate the sudden guilty in her chest. Sister Julienne looked at her Sister in God with sorrow filled eyes, understanding more than the other could verbalise.

They sat together in the chapel; the only sounds were that of Sister Bernadette’s soft sobs becoming steady breathing. Sister Julienne held her hand softly, now and then rubbing her thumb along the other’s knuckle in a comforting gesture. 

They both suddenly looked up at the sound of hurried footsteps in time to see Jenny running in. She had to stop very quickly before hitting a row of chairs, as it was she stopped so quickly she stumbled backwards slightly.

“Oh, sorry.” Jenny smiled apologetically, “Sister Julienne, Dr Turner has asked to speak with you regarding a patient.” Jenny smiled again unsure whether to leave now the message was received or to wait and leave with her.  
Sister Julienne nodded and turned her face back to Sister Bernadette who had tensed slightly at the doctor’s name.

“Will you be okay if I leave you, Sister?” Her eyes sought her companion’s, full of worry and unspoken compassion. Sister Bernadette slowly nodded and took in a deep breath.

“Yes Sister, I will be fine. You are needed.” She removed her hands for Sister Julienne’s and got up, straightening her clothes as she did. She then walked out of the chapel only pausing to smile slightly at Jenny as she passed. Her each step was slow and sad and even Jenny could see the concern in Sister Julienne’s eyes.

*****

At lunch Sister Bernadette listened quietly as Jenny spoke about a family she was worried about. It turned out this family consisted of eight children and the whole family lived in two rooms.

“It’s unfair. The council won’t rehome them because they’re such a large family.” Jenny’s voice rung with the sadness of the situation.

“It’s not right but it’s not unheard of, they already have eight and one on the way, what can the council do?” Cynthia was once again the voice of reason

“You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.” Everyone turned their eyes to Sister Monica Joan who was sat looking at her meal, her fork poised ready to eat however she merely prodded her potato.

“Sister?” Sister Julienne looked amused but didn’t expect an answer.

The conversation returned to mundane things like music or the latest film playing and Sister Bernadette lost focus to her thoughts. She ran through the small conversation with Sister Julienne, not really remembering most of what she said.

As conversation ended people were getting up and moving off to their afternoon visits and other commitments. Sister Bernadette got up startling the last few members at the table.

“Excuse me.” She went straight to her room intending to pray before her next visit. All she could focus on was Doctor Turner’s face that was still etched into her eyelids. She imagined he hurt as she had drawn her hand back and her chest ached.

She sat on her bed and open her trusted Bible, knowing God would show Himself to her when she most needed it. 

“ˡ Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving kindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.  
2 Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.  
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.”

Psalm 51. It was one of her favourites so it wasn’t surprising it was the natural opening place of the well-loved book. She thought about the words and the comfort God has always offered. Since she was young He had been there, her shelter. She did nothing to deserve His love, she was no saint and never professed to be but He knew that and every step of the way He had been there as her comforter and protector.

She loved God, and she never for one moment regretted joining the order. She had seen more of life living at Nonnatus House than she could have imagined and even when she felt alone and isolated from the conversations of the young midwives she would retreat and bask in the Lord’s presence.

She smiled to herself finishing the Psalm, knowing all the promises God had made for her. She got up and made her way downstairs to gather her bag and set out for her afternoon visits. 

The house was quiet as most of the nurses were doing visits, it seemed to be a busy afternoon and the added pressure of the local fate coming had them all working nonstop. Sister Bernadette collected her bag and went out to get her bicycle out.

On her way through she bumped into Sister Julienne who looked flustered.

“Are you well Sister?” This time the worry was Sister Bernadette’s.

“Yes Sister. Just a trying day, I am concerned for Nurse Lee.” A questioning look from the other made Sister Julienne continue, “the family that Nurse Lee was telling us about at lunch, well the mother is in hospital.” She lowered her eyes.

“Was it…?” Sister Bernadette was not knew to the women of Poplar, a woman expecting her ninth child with no hope of being able to feed it could go to any length to get rid.

“Yes. She likely has septicaemia, her family may have to say goodbye soon. Nurse Lee feels guilty and we have fate business to finish.” Sister Julienne looked tired and Sister Bernadette felt guilty for taking up her time for what seemed like a trivial matter.

“I’m about to do my afternoon visits, is there anything else you would like me to do as well Sister?” At that Sister Julienne smiled and shook her head.

“No, you carry on exactly as you are. I couldn’t do without you.” She smiled kindly and walked into the kitchen.

Sister Bernadette left and got on her bicycle heading for her first visit, wondering whether she would see Dr Turner at all. Catching herself she sighed and cycled on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is fun. :D I'm moving this bit by bit over to this site just for more audience. Also I'm hoping it get me a bit more motivated to carry on. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. x


	3. Chapter Three

Afternoon visits went as normal, each woman she visited was friendly and went through the motions. Sister Bernadette did everything her training dictated, giving herself one-hundred per cent to the job. She tested for pre-eclampsia when needed, did the usual checks and advised a primigravida on basic diet and living conditions along with clinic times and check-ups.

She returned to Nonnatus House tired and distracted from her previous thoughts on the doctor. That was until she bumped into him in the hall way. She was looking at her hand that was throbbing slightly from the pressure of being active all day. She had quite forgotten to asses her surroundings as she knew her way around the house blindfold. 

Apparently he wasn’t watching where he was going either as he had a piece of paper in his hand that he had been paying thorough attention to. She had no idea what she had banged into and was prepared to hit the floor when strong hands caught her by each elbow.

“I am so sorry Sister.” Dark eyes bore into hers, a world of concern reflected in their depths. She was stunned for a minute not sure what she had heard until he cleared his throat a little.  
“No. I am sorry Doctor. I should have been watching my step.” She glanced at her feet, feeling her cheeks darken a she realised the situation.

Both then seemed to notice that Dr Turner has not relinquished his hold on her elbows. She glanced at his hands as he realised he had not let her go. He took a sharp intake of breath and let his hands fall from her arms, his fingers flowing from her sleeve reluctantly.

She let out a small gasp and felt a twinge in her stomach at the loss of contact. She looked at him and it was as if the world had become suddenly sharper, she took in ever feature of his face, every tiny expression as he spoke.

“Sorry Sister.”

She wasn’t sure why he was apologising again. She shook her head.

“That’s quite alright doctor. Is everything okay?” She blinked to stop herself from staring and tried to focus her thoughts, chastising herself mentally for the relapse of these thoughts and feelings. She had thought God had spoken to her; that her feelings were consoled and she would be able to face Dr Turner as she had before the kiss. Every time she felt she’d overcome the challenge her feelings would come back in full force.

“Yes Sister, I just came to collect some notes on a patient.” He looked at her with penetrating eyes and she felt as if he could see everything she was thinking. She shuffled slightly on her feet, something she only did when he was around.

“Well,” he cleared his throat, “I had better be off. Timothy will complain if I’m late yet again.” They both smiled fondly at the thought of the boy. “I will see you soon, Sister.” Dr Turner smiled and with a nod moved swiftly round Sister Bernadette.

She promised herself the moment he passed that she wouldn’t turn and watch him leave. She refused to acknowledge that the empty feeling in her heart was because of his absence and went to the kitchen to find something to eat. It had been a long day and she had hardly eaten.

She sat at the table alone, thinking. She was absentmindedly staring and the wooden table and wondering whether this was meant to be a challenge from God. Part of her, a very tiny part, half thought He was punishing her, or even mocking her. Each time this thought swam into her mind she pushed it aside rebuking herself for entertaining the idea. She would never have loved a God who mocked or was deliberately cruel. Hers was a God of love. He was love, completely; which only added to her confusion.

After eating a piece of bread with a spreading of jam she left the kitchen, she still had a bit of time before compline and the others didn’t seem to be around. Sister Bernadette’s head felt confused and anxious, the thought of standing in chapel with the other Nuns made her feel sorely dishonest. With a determined nod she walked swiftly upstairs to her room for some meditation time.

Opening her bible she let the page open where God wanted her to read, the page fell somewhere near the middle of the book; Psalms again, this time number 18. The first line made her heart swell.

“ˡI will love thee, O LORD, my strength.”

It was at times like this she had no doubt that He was with her every step of her life. Even when she couldn’t feel Him.

“2 The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.”  
She read this line a few times, trying to make every word take root in her soul. She believed, and that was something she felt would never change, but lately she’d been taking solace in other, more earthly things.

Dr Turner’s face then came into her mind and she screwed up her face fighting tears in frustrating. How could another human get in the way of time with God? She didn’t know what to do. Who could she go to? Sister Julienne listened when she told her about the kiss in the hall kitchen but was there really anything she could do for these feelings?

Shaking herself out of her reverie Sister Bernadette read on.

“6 In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.”

She felt even worse at this line. She knew the words and knew the meaning behind them, but at his time she didn’t feel He heard her at all. She would lie awake at night begging to understand but no understanding came.

She finished the psalm and felt happy in the message of deliverance that David proclaimed. The promise of God was a rich one and she believed whole heartedly that He was good and loving. The issue was that knowing this wasn’t making what she felt easier or clearer. It made her more frustrated and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please comment, they keep me writing. :)


	4. Chapter Four

Sister Julienne noticed a decline in Sister Bernadette's mood. The younger nun was quieter than usual and whenever they had free time she spent it in the chapel or in her room. It was worse than before, Sister Monica Joan had noticed before that she was unhappy but now everyone was aware although no one mentioned it.

On a couple of occasions Sister Julienne tried to speak to Sister Bernadette but conversations were cut short by interruption or pure unwillingness.

Sister Bernadette carried on each day, throwing herself into serving the women of Poplar. She carried on in a daze most of the time. It all worked quite well until the antenatal clinic arrive on Tuesday afternoon. She was sat at the table after lunch as everyone got up and left, she was deep in thought as slow cold dread slipped into her mind at the prospect of the clinic. She sighed coming out of her musings to realise no one was there.

After half an hour in the chapel Sister Bernadette made her way leisurely to the clinic, her chest ached as she took each step. She had made no headway with her feelings and had no idea what she would feel when she saw the doctor. She was thankful that she hadn't any visits beforehand but also thought the distraction may have been welcome.

She opened the door and entered being very careful not to look around the room to find him. He would be there and she knew that, instead she moved to the kitchen window to speak with Jane.

"Hello Jane." Sister Bernadette smiled, she liked Jane's quiet personality, it was refreshing after the bustling of the young nurses.

"Hello Sister, I'm glad you're here, Dr Turner was asking for you, he needed advice I think." Jane looked timidly at her after relaying the message. Sister Bernadette felt her smile become a little fixed as she nodded.

"Indeed, in which case I had better find him." She moved stiffly as she walked away from the window, Jane calling the doctor's location as she went.

Sister Bernadette took her time in putting her bag away and putting her apron on. Hers was one that was tied, she was grateful for this, struggling with pins wouldn't have calmed the butterflies in her stomach. She pulled her sleeves up a little and walked out of the kitchen in search of Dr Turner.

Jane had said he was in the cubicle on the end, his usual spot. She smiled at the routine of it all as she peeked round the cubicle entrance.

"Doctor?" He had his back to her but there was no patient. He was busy writing on a clip board when she spoke and was startled by the interruption to his thoughts.

"Oh, Sister." He smiled warmly at her, his eyes alight with feeling, "Jane sent you through I assume. Come in."

Sister Bernadette moved further into the cubicle acutely aware that now neither she nor the doctor could be seen by any outside party. She felt a small thrill through her body and could feel her cheeks warming at the thought. She breathed deeply and prayed silently as Dr Turner finished what he was writing.

"So Mrs Peters." He says as he turns to her. "Here's the notes we have." He passes the clip board to her and as she takes it their fingers brush slightly. They look at each other, Sister Bernadette finds herself wondering what he was thinking. His eyes bore into hers as if imploring her to say something but she had no words. She drew her eyes down as she took the notes and started to read, keeping her head down as her cheeks flushed.

The conversation was much the same, the spoke about signs and symptoms of the patient and the concerns of possible TB.

"I need to get her screened but she was being fairly difficult earlier." Every word held caring as he spoke. Sister Bernadette admired him for his efforts. He cared about every patient, he gave his life to those he served.

"I could talk to her but I have come to find her very…headstrong." She didn't like to be unkind but some of the women they dealt with were hard.

"Headstrong is putting it lightly." He was smiling at her. She wished he wouldn't. it was distracting at the best of times. Her stomach felt like it was in knots. "Sister I was…" He shook his head a little as if he was trying to find the words.

Sister Bernadette lowered her head. She felt awful, she'd spent so much time feeling wretched and she never stopped to wonder if he was feeling troubled. She daren't ask him anything specific though, she doubted the answer would help her and although she felt selfish she didn't feel her heart could take it.

"Are you well, Doctor?" General wellbeing was a neutral topic she decided.

"If I said no would you want to know why?" His question caught her by surprise. She opened her mouth to respond but closed it quickly failing to find words.

"I knew the answer," he smiled and took a step closer, "I'm sorry, Sister." He took another step closer, they were barely a foot apart now.

"Sorry?" She didn't really understand what was happening and now his proximity was clouding all thoughts she had.

"I didn't realise any of this until it was too late. And I'm sorry to put you through this." He took her hand gently, making sure she knew she could take it back if she wanted.

She didn't move, she doubted she could even if she wanted to. The last time he held her hand it was aching from pain and the numbing of cold water. Now her hand was tingling from his touch, she didn't know what to do, part of her wanted to run away, back to the safety of Nonnatus chapel.

She looked at their interlinked hands for a minute then back at the doctor. His eyes soft. He slowly moved forward, his face inching closer to hers. Her breath stopped and she hesitated to meet him.

Their lips barely touching when there was an almighty crash flowed by screaming crying. They pulled apart both of them with eyes wide.

"Sorry." It was barely a whisper before he whipped out of the cubicle to help whatever catastrophe had been caused.

Sister Bernadette touched her lips shakily wanting to cry.


	5. Chapter Five

The clatter and noise had been a child feeling faint, falling and pulling over a table covered in leaflets in the corner of the room. Nurse Franklin, Sister Evangelina and Dr Turner sorted it out quickly, allowing Sister Bernadette the chance to compose herself behind the screen.

She breathed deeply willing the feeling of hot tears from her eyes. She felt sick in her stomach and wished that her life wasn't as complicated as it seemed to be. She peeked out from behind the cubicle and saw the messed being tidied and the child being checked over. She watched the doctor check the boy's head and ears, such tenderness in his movements.

Her chest swelled and a sob almost escaped her. Why was this happening to her? What had she done to be in such turmoil now? She shook her head.

"God is good. He has promised good to me." It was barely a whisper but she needed to say it out loud. She breathed again deeply and straightened her habit. She moved out of her hiding place and into the kitchen to scrub her hands before she saw a patient.

"Sister? Are you alright?" Sister Bernadette jumped. She hadn't realised Cynthia in the corner sorting cloths.

"I am quite well Nurse Miller." Sister Bernadette nodded and continued to washed her hands.

"You look pale Sister. Are you sure you're not ill?" Cynthia moved closer to Sister Bernadette and looked closer, catching her gaze. Sister Bernadette sighed slightly, she couldn't explain to anyone, least of all one of the young nurses.

"Just feeling a bit queasy. It'll pass." She didn't look up, knowing concern would be written all over Cynthia's face.

"Go home Sister. It's quite quiet and there are more than enough of us. You don't look well." Cynthia put a gentle hand on Sister Bernadette's shoulder.

Sister Bernadette felt a wave of emotion at the kindness along with guilt at not being completely truthful, she looked up at the other girl and nodded slightly. She hadn't the strength to argue so silently she picked up her bag and walked quickly and quietly through the hall and out the door. She was careful not to look at a certain person who was still busy with the little boy he had helped up. She hoped her absence wouldn't be noticed but knew this was unlikely.

By the time she got back to Nonnatus House to the safety of her room she couldn't hold tears any more. She fell to her knees and wept. Utterly confused by everything in her life, every feeling and every thought contradicted herself. One moment she would feel confident, her vocation feeling the right path still and the next moment would be pain and chaos.

She saw his face in her mind, before he had kissed her, his eyes dark and loving. Tears came harder. She grasped the cross at her neck, holding it so tightly it hurt, willing the physical pain to take away the emotional. Willing God to speak to her, to just tell her out right the meaning, the path, even a snippet. Anything.

She had no idea how long she was there, crying and pray. Wishing and hoping for some divine intervention to lift her out of a pit she never realised she had been in until today. She looked up noticing the darkness outside the window and assuming it must be late enough to eat and surely someone had now missed her, if not at the clinic then in the house.

She got up slowly, her knees aching at the effort. She looked at her Bible on the side, she thought about opening it, but she knew where she would go.

"ˡ I cried unto God with my voice, even unto God with my voice; and he gave ear unto me.

2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah.

4 Thou holdest mine eyes waking: I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

5 I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times.

6 I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search."

As she remembered the Psalm she felt another pang of loss and fear go through her. Every day was like fighting a war, again.

"7 Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will he be favourable no more?

8 Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore?

9 Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah."

A wayward tear slipped from her eye. She wiped in gently away.

She then looked straight at her mirror, and said the next lines to herself;

"10 And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High.

11 I will remember the works of the Lord: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.

12 I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.

13 Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?

14 Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.

15 Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.

16 The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid: the depths also were troubled.

17 The clouds poured out water: the skies sent out a sound: thine arrows also went abroad.

18 The voice of thy thunder was in the heaven: the lightnings lightened the world: the earth trembled and shook.

19 Thy way is in the sea, and thy path in the great waters, and thy footsteps are not known.

20 Thou leddest thy people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron."

She spoke firmly, tears trying to take over her voice but she refused to give up. This was a Psalm she needed. The Lord was never cruel, He redeemed and loved and delivered. She remembered Job and his life, "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."

God would never give her what she couldn't handle. That's the thing; that is what faith is. Faith is loving Him and remembering He would never do something to hurt for hurts sake. It's a crazy concept for any human to fully understand but even when Adam and Eve were thrown out of Eden He had a plan. He knew that He would send Jesus, His son. Blameless and pure to die for us. What right had she, really, to cry over a man when she was only here and free to be with God because of Jesus.

She gave herself a watery smile, wiped her eyes and moved to the door. Time for some supper.


	6. Chapter Six

The evening was much the same as any other. Sister Bernadette made herself some toast and sat alone to eat it at the table as the others each came in to get themselves something. Cynthia checked she was feeling well.

"I am quite well, thank you." Sister Bernadette didn't feel like joining in the conversation around the table. The nurses were talking about upcoming dances and Jane seemed to be enthusiastic to go with them this time.

Sister Bernadette couldn't help smiling and silently thanking God for the change in Jane, she was growing in confidence every day. They spoke about Chummy and how much they all missed her, even if it did mean fewer items needing to be replaced.

She sat listening and trying not to dwell on her own secret longing to join them at dances or singing in the kitchen to the wireless or any other carefree activity the nurses decided to do. Although she never regretted her choice to join the order she had started to wonder whether she was losing her faith and that it had sparked these feelings in her.

Everyone left one by one and Sister Bernadette just sat quietly thinking to herself about whether she was losing faith or whether her feelings were God given. Dizzily she stood up, washed her plate and moved through the halls towards the chapel.

She was barely passing the main hall when the doorbell rang. Looking at the clock she wondered who would be calling now as it was relatively late. Looking at the board she noticed that Nurse Lee was on call. She doubted the nurse would have heard the bell so walked over and opened the door.

The last thing Sister Bernadette thought she would fine on the door step was Dr Turner. He looked up at her with dark hair plastered against his forehead. The rain beat down and all around was quiet and dark.

"Excuse me Sister." He didn't seem to know what else to say and they both just looked at each other for a minute until Sister Bernadette realised he was still standing in the rain.

"Sorry doctor, please come in. What can we do for you this evening?" She moved aside allowing him entrance into the hall. His coat was dark with rain and he left wet footprints as he moved further into the building.

"I wanted to speak with Sister Julienne if possible." He spoke but avoided looking into her eyes. She wondered why when he was usually the one lock her gaze to his. She looked at him as he kept his eyes on his hands which were currently fumbling slightly with his tie, a blue and red striped one.

"I'm sure she would be happy to see you now doctor. She's may still be in her office." Without prompting they both turned and walked down the hall towards the office they both knew well.

They were side by side and Sister Bernadette could feel the proximity of his hand near hers at the walked. It was like an electric current between them and she wondered if he felt it too. She thought he did as half way down he moved his hand to his tie again in a nervous manner.

They reached the door and Sister Bernadette knocked, when she heard the affirmative to enter she walked in slightly letting Sister Julienne know the doctor wished to speak with her.

"She will be with you in a few minutes." Sister Bernadette closed the door behind her and stood opposite the doctor both waiting for him to be called in.

"You don't have to wait with me Sister." He looked at her with a small smile on his lips. She took a sharp intake of breath as she felt her stomach flip. She hated these feelings, they hurt physically and emotionally.

Sister Bernadette had nothing to say to that, she didn't want to leave him waiting alone but had no idea how to say that to him, she simply smiled at him and looked at the floor. She heard him shuffle his feet slightly but was determined to not look at him. Being alone, even in a hallway was enough to make her heart flutter.

"Sister?" She looked up at her name and almost jumped as he was much closer now, his eyes were locked on hers and seemed so much darker than before. He wasn't looking away but held her gaze steadily.

"I am so sorry about earlier." He looked at her, his eyes reflecting every ounce of remorse he felt. She simply shook her head at him and tried to take a step back however the wall was against her back.

"Don't." It was barely a whisper and was all she could manage to say. She felt light headed and queasy with his eyes on her, his proximity clouding her vision. She tried to breathe but suddenly it seemed like the most difficult thing in the world.

"I…" He looked frustrated, as if the words he wanted simply wouldn't come. Slowly and carefully he too her hand in his, holding it as if it were glass. He sighed and looked at her, his eyes sad.

She looked back at him trying to repress the giddy excitement of their touch. She couldn't move, regardless of the wall behind her she was rooted to the spot.

Neither knew how long they had been there looking into each other's eyes, neither being able to find the words to say what they needed, or the strength to move. The door behind doctor Turner suddenly opened and he turned, quickly dropping Sister Bernadette's hand and following Sister Julienne into her office with not even a backwards glance.

Sister Bernadette stood still, her back remaining pressed against the wall opposite the door. Her hand was still in mid-air where it had been suddenly dropped. She swallowed hard and let out the breath she hadn't noticed she was holding. After a minute of staring at the door she sighed and walked slowly down the hall to the kitchen to make some tea trying to forget the last ten minutes and focus on the thought of Compline.


	7. Chapter Seven

Sister Bernadette woke in the dawn light. She opened her eyes and sighed. The air outside her bed was cold; she didn't need to lift the covers to feel it. Instead she rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, the memories of the day before hitting her with full force.

She raised her hand out from under the blanket and looked at the healing scar. She ran her fingers over it remembering that afternoon, so much had happened that day. It seemed that in the last few days her life had become a whirlwind, she didn't know whether she was coming or going half the time, her head was too full of thoughts of Dr Turner and then chastisements of those thoughts.

Shaking her head she got out of bed and dressed. She didn't need this today, she had things to do and no doubt it would be a busy day. She sat on her bed and opened her Bible, wondering where would be a good starting point for her reading today, the book fell open in her hands in the New Testament. She looked instinctively at the top of the page for the book title; 1Corinthians. One verse on the page was standing out already, as if God was already preparing her for the day.

"13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

She sat thinking about that verse. Every feeling being dredged up as she wondered whether it was a test or whether it was a path to take. She had no idea and the decisions were making her feeling dizzy and tired, how could thinking and feeling take up so much energy?

There was a small knock on the door which brought Sister Bernadette back to reality. She hadn't realised her decent into a fantasy world but being torn back made her feel bewildered. She answered the door by opening it a crack, already knowing it would be one of her Sisters collecting her for Lauds morning prayers. She smiled softly at Sister Julienne who smiled encouragingly back at her as she exited the room to follow the elder nun to the chapel.

Although Sister Bernadette enjoyed singing her daily prayers, or any singing to be honest, even so she felt very detached. She sang the words understanding and in many ways believing what they said but for some reason she couldn't feel Him. God wasn't there, or if He was she wasn't letting Him in. Distraction overcame her and she daydreamed in silent prayer times, staring at nothing in particular.

After prayers they all went through the usual morning routine and after breakfast nurses and nuns gathered to go through the planned business for the morning. The nurses one by one departed and Sister Bernadette was preparing for her morning until Sister Julienne asked a favour of her. Sister Bernadette's heart skipped a beat when Sister Julienne told her what it was she had agreed to.

Nodding blankly Sister Bernadette got up. Her heart ached in her chest as she put her coat on in the hall. She stood at the front door, not daring to open it yet. He would be there, and then she would have to spend the morning with him. The thought provoked feelings she didn't need to feel and confusions that made her want to weep with the effort of concealing them.

With a deep breath she remembered her morning's verse and opened the door. Slowly she walked out and down the steps of the house. He was leaning against his car looking wonderful in the morning light. She repressed a sigh and carried on walking towards him as he looked up at her.

As recognition dawned on his face his eyes shone brightly. "Sister Bernadette." He stood straight and walked round the car mentioning his expecting Sister Julienne and something about his tie. She looked at him, trying desperately not to fall into his gaze as she knew she'd be stuck there.

She looked at his hand that was splayed across his chest and she realised she should probably answer the tie issue.

"That tie seems perfectly…" Perfect? She sighed a little, "appropriate." His smile at that almost knocked her over. She dropped her eyes to the now open car door, other words were exchanged but she focused on running through her Bible verse again as she got in.

As he sat next to her she had to remember to breathe. She glanced at him then back out the front window and she felt him do the same. She felt strange in herself being so close to this man and she hated herself for allowing these feeling to cloud her judgement.

The journey was not long in the conventional sense but the building tension was stifling. Sister Bernadette had listened to moments like these be described by the nurses after they'd been to see films but never had she thought she'd live one. Being a nun had sheltered her from these issues and although now and then going dancing had seemed like an attractive pastime or asking Chummy about her date had been fun she would never wish this feeling on anyone.

They walked through the hall in the direction of the office their meeting was to take place in. As they walked they both kept their eyes forward. Sister Bernadette could feel the warm friction of his hand almost brushing hers as they walked. The feeling was electrifying and terrifying all at once and part of her just wanted to go back to Nonnatus House but she had a job to do.

The meeting went well. Sister Bernadette was a little shamed at her outburst but when they exited the meeting she was so please. Dr Turner turned to her beaming so widely that it took her breath away. He looked at her with a look of complete adoration and she hardly knew what to say.


	8. Chapter Eight

"Congratulations Dr Turner, you were…really quite tremendous," she couldn't help smiling back up at him, looking deeply into his darker eyes, they shone so brightly now. They had made such valid points with hard facts that they couldn't possibly refuse the van now.

"As were you Sister." He smiled back at her with love in his eyes and she knew she couldn't carry on, with a small smile she walked away quickly down the corridor.

The journey back to Nonnatus was quiet. Sister Bernadette didn't trust herself to speak, much less look at him. He drove in silence, now and then he glance across at her but she pretended not to notice, she could feel the air thick with unspoken words but she would not, could not, alleviate it.

By the time she was dropped back the other nuns and nurses were starting to mill in as it was almost time for lunch. Everyone sat down starting to eat as conversation turned to her meeting, as she spoke of the doctor's passion for the van she had to keep herself in check. Her emotions were becoming more erratic.

"Dr Turner sounds like he was quite the hero." Cynthia's words were almost too much and Sister Bernadette had to catch herself before heading off into a proud rant.

"Quite" was all she managed to say before Sister Julienne came to the rescue without realising. Sister Evangelina started grumbling about work with Sister Monica Joan giving less than helpful insight when the doorbell went.

Jane quickly got up and answered it and within seconds Sister Bernadette recognised the person at the door. His voice floated in over the speaking nuns and her heart beat harder in her chest. She looked at the table willing herself not to look at him and get lost in those eyes. She knew it would be impossible but tried all the same.

Within seconds of entering the room there was an expectant bubble in her stomach. He walked round apologising for interrupting, as if they, any of them, minded.

"They're sending a van to Poplar, a week on Tuesday." He was stood right next to Sister Bernadette who was trying to not look at him, but with that news there was no hope, the table erupted in gasps and choruses of 'oohs.'

"Wonderful," she looked up at him beaming, he looked at her, all excitement and joy. She wondered in that moment how she couldn't love him. It hurt to acknowledge her feelings but she knew then. She'd always known but it was time to be brave and say it, at least to herself.

Sisters Monica Joan and Evangelina were talking again as the table watched in amusement. Sister Bernadette however was preoccupied with her thoughts.

After lunch everyone dispersed to their duties and Sister Bernadette washed up alone in the kitchen. Dr Turner was speaking with Sister Julienne in her office, just the thought of him being in the house had Sister Bernadette on edge and she was growing more annoyed with herself every time she jumped at a door banging.

She quietly hummed to herself as she was dishes, trying to preoccupy her mind.

"Sister?" She froze for a moment, her body humming at the sound of his voice. She slowly turned around to see him facing her from the doorway. He looked wonderful, so relaxed leaning against the doorframe. He hadn't seemed so calm for so long and she was glad the van's imminent arrival was putting him somewhat at ease.

"Yes doctor?" She dried her hands of a towel and turned to face him, clasping her hands in front of her. He took a couple of steps forward opening his mouth as if he wanted to say something but thought better of it.

He smiled at her as she tried to not look him in the eyes. He was persistent and lowered his head to capture her eyes in his. Never had she felt more at home than when he looked at her like this, pure caring shining through as he looked at her face. She felt her breathing quicken and could feel her heart beating hard, hoping that he couldn't hear it.

"Thank you, for today." He seemed timid as he spoke, she'd never seen him nervous and found it endearing.

"I was there as a favour, as I said." She tried to look away but he wouldn't let her, moving his eyes to hers whenever she tried.

"You fought for it though. You believe as much as I do that it is truly needed in Poplar. Your passion is what swayed them. I am sure of it. So thank you." He smiled gently and took one of her clasped hands gently. His touch was light as a feather but she felt the full weight of the gesture.

"I believe it is necessary doctor," she breathed a shaky breath, "in these conditions, to help save lives." Words failed her after that. He was rubbing soft circles on the back of her hand, she knew he should stop but couldn't take her hand away from him again; it took all her strength the last time.

He turned her hand over in his and ran his fingers over her healing scar as she had done that morning. She watched him silently wanting to cry and the image. The whole effort of not falling into his touch becoming overwhelming, he was so gentle and yet was not giving up regardless of how hopeless it seemed. She's a nun, and a very confused one at that. Why would he want her?

Just then there was a loud bag as a door closed in the hall and the sound of laughing nurses approaching. He dropped her hand and smiled lovingly at her before turning and walking out of the kitchen. She watched him go this time, her heart breaking with the effort of standing. She sighed and walked down the hall to the chapel and away from the noise in desperate need of quiet.

Opening her Bible in the chapel she read 1 John 4;

"18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

She reread it over and over as tears slowly came.


	9. Chapter Nine

The next week or so went without issue Sister Bernadette, although ashamed to admit it, spent most of her time hiding or avoiding other people, especially Dr Turner. Even at clinic times she went about her business keeping as busy as she could. She even took on extra patients and tasks to avoid and silent moments when he may be able to talk to her.

She knew she was being silly but what could she do? She had nothing to say to him and until she could sort out her own mind there was nothing he could say to her, even if she secretly wished to hear it.

Monday morning arrived and just before she was off to do her morning visits there was a knock at the door, she stared at the handle she was about to open wondering who it could possibly be. She hesitated but couldn't not answer it as she was stood there her hand almost on the handle.

She opened it slowly; breathing deeply already preparing to see the one person she both wanted to and didn't want to. It was him. He looked up at her, his eyes widening as he realised who had opened the door to him.

They stood there lost in each other's eyes for a few minutes, neither having the strength to look away.

"Sister?" Sister Bernadette wrenched her eyes away and turned to see Sister Julienne walking towards her, a look of curiosity on her face. "Won't you let them in?" She smiled slightly at the younger nun who nodded and opened the door wider allowing the doctor to pass through.

He kept his eyes down as he passed her and stood beside her as she shut the door. The three of them stood not speaking, Sister Julienne looking from one set of lowered eyes to the other.

"What can we do for you Dr Turner?" She smiled as his head snapped up to meet her gaze as if he suddenly remembered his purpose for coming.

"Oh, yes. I wanted to speak with you Sister, about arrangements for the TB van tomorrow. It will be crowded and I feel knowing how we will manage it a little would help everyone involved." He looked from Sister Julienne to Sister Bernadette who still had her eyes trained down but was nodding slightly at his words.

"I think that's a splendid idea doctor, but could we arrange a time, I am just about to go out on rounds." She smiled warmly as he nodded and went for the handle.

"I'll call at say lunchtime?"

"Perfect. You can stay and lunch with us if you wish." There was a tiny noise from Sister Bernadette who then suddenly murmured apologises and left towards the kitchen.

"Lunch it is Sister. See you." Dr Turner was out the door in seconds and taking the steps two at a time. Sister Julienne closed the door wondering what had just happened. She sighed and went towards the kitchen to check on her younger charge.

She found Sister Bernadette sipping a glass of water leaning against the sink. She seemed distressed but in control.

"Are you alright my dear?" She placed a comforting hand on Sister Bernadette's shoulder.

"I'm fine thank you Sister. Just felt a bit light headed." She put her glass down and picked up her bag. "I must go. I have many women to see." With that she left Sister Julienne alone in the kitchen wondering what was worrying the poor girl so.

She stood looking at the place where Sister Bernadette had disappeared and felt all she could do was pray for her, she knew what to pray, she would pray what Paul had taught, what he had prayed.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.*

She smiled as she said her last 'amen', collected her bag and set off for her rounds.

Sister Bernadette was in a trance for her morning's calls, something that was becoming concerning to her. She needed to sort her mind out otherwise patients would notice and her work would suffer. She couldn't help but slightly dread the thought of lunch today, that is, when she wasn't looking forward to it. The only thing worse than seeing the doctor was not seeing him and that's what hurt the most.

Her rounds ended and she cycled back to Nonnatus House, butterflies in her stomach and an ache in her heart. She had talked herself out of her dread as he was there to speak with Sister Julienne and would only be in the same room as herself when everyone else would be there. This gave her some comfort and lessened her fear. She put her bicycle away and walked up the steps letting herself in.

Sorting her instruments into the steriliser she hadn't noticed the door go. Jane must have let the doctor in because there was a sudden cough behind her making her jump slightly letting out a small squeak of fright.

"Sorry," he chuckled, "I didn't mean to frighten you."

"That's quite alright doctor. I thought I was alone." She turned back to her task trying to ignore the unexpected heat of the room.

She heard him shift slightly and turned back to him, impulsive boldness taking over her. She looked up at him, unsure what to say but determined to say something. She hadn't spent all morning preparing for his visit to be stunned out of it by his uncharacteristic punctuality.

"Are you prepared for tomorrow doctor?" He looked at her then as if she was the most interesting thing on earth and she had a hard time from turning her head away from the scrutiny of his observation.

"I think we will be Sister. With your help, and that of the other nurses." She smiled; the victory of the van still apparent in his mind.

She couldn't help smiling back at him. It brought her such joy to see him so happy and animated, he had been so worn down recently it was a welcome change. Before she could reply, however, there came the sound of chatter and laughter as the others came in from rounds and from their other activities. Silently both Sister Bernadette and Dr Turner moved through the hall down to the kitchen, Sister Bernadette could feel him still watching her but kept her eyes ahead as she sought the sanctuary of company.


	10. Chapter Ten

Lunch went well; plans were made for Sister Evangelina to be on TB van duty solely. The other nurses would be busy at the clinic but would direct women out to the van after. Nurses Miller and Franklin had been out with flyers so the hope was that many of the residents of Poplar would be out to attend the screening. Sister Bernadette had been asked to work on the admin side of things, filling in names and addresses on x-rays. She was surprisingly eager, she realised that she really did want to help and hoped that lives would be saved by their efforts.

There was so much talk about the van and the plans for the next day that each nurse slipped out when their visits began. Sister Bernadette was one of the first to leave trying to not draw attention to herself as she did. She had quite a few women to see and a few district visits as well.

She left the room very aware that although the doctor was talking wish Sister Julienne he was watching her with his peripherals. She placed her plate in the kitchen and moved back through the dining room and out the door, as she walked she saw Dr Turner watch her now he had finished planning. Sister Bernadette made it into the hall and let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding. Shaking her head to collect herself she took her bag and left Nonnatus house.

Everyone woke up the next morning in a flurry of excited expectation. The nurses left each with their own buzz and big smile. The novelty of a TB van wouldn't wear off until it arrived. None of them had seen one, only ever heard about them.

Sister Bernadette woke slowly that morning, her eyes opening to the dawn light. Her body felt heavy as she dressed for morning prayers and she moved deftly through the house. That was until after breakfast, she had no visits this morning as she was doing admin. She walked into the equipment room and saw two large boxes piled one on the other. She opened one and smiled at the slides. Today they could actually save lives. She replaced the lid and checked the time deciding to do a quick bits of paperwork before leaving for the van.

She managed to pick up both boxes, however, her vision was impaired by the top box but she knew moving slowly would be fine, she knew the house backwards. Half way through the hall Sister Julienne came through from her office. She took the offending box.

"I'm glad you are feeling better. You have more spring in your step." Sister Julienne smiled loving at her.

"So many live can be changed and saved." Sister Bernadette smiled back, genuinely happy to be helping. They smiled and carried on walking, luckily the hall and van weren't very far away.

They made it to the van, it had been difficult as so many people had turned up for the screening, that coupled with the women flocking from the clinic had the whole courtyard teeming with life. With a few manoeuvres and small excuse mes she got through. She approached the van and saw Dr Turner standing on the steps, he beamed at her when she got to him, his eyes alight with excitement.

"Good morning doctor." She smiled up at him unashamedly hoping everyone would assume it was excitement for the day.

"Sister Bernadette." He smiled back.

"Posters worked then." She smiled up at him, not keeping eye contact for fear of getting lost there.

"Never in my wildest dreams." He smiled slightly and they both turned to the crowd ready for the day ahead.

He addressed the crowd and explained how screening would work. They all moved to positions and the work began. Everyone was excited, even those being x-rayed. A few nervous people had to be coaxed into the van but most people were more than willing to look at the machine and have a go.

After a few hours Sister Bernadette's enthusiasm had yet to wear off and she was happily sat writing names and addresses when she heard a mother speaking rather sternly to a child. Poking her head round she saw a little girl refusing to enter the van.

"Can I help?" She got up and walked over.

"You won't be able to do nothing," the mother said, placing her hand on her swollen stomach, "she's just doing it to show me up."

Sister Bernadette bent down to speak to the little girl. The girl looked at her, fear in her tiny eyes.

"Tell you what, I don't want to go in there either. Shall we make a pact?" The little girl almost shrugged but stood listening. "If you go in, I'll go in." Sister Bernadette nodded at the little girl who in turn nodded her agreement.

"Good." Sister Bernadette stood and moved further into the van noticing Dr Tunrer who had been paying acute attention to the exchange, his eyes dark with emotion.

"May I doctor?" She said nervously.

"Of course." He smiled, and his voice was full of affection.

Sister Bernadette looked at the little girl again then strode into the van. Taking a seat she sat straight and waited for the machine to make the all too familiar whirring noise. It was over in a few seconds. She left the seat and stood by it.

"Come along." She waved for the little girl to come over and timidly she did. Sister Bernadette watched her seat herself and sit tall as the machine went on and off. The girl sighed her relief and left out of the back door.

Sister Bernadette let her out smiling as the doctor approached.

"Thank you." He leant against the wall smiling.

"She's only little." She smiled a little trying not to look him in the eyes as she shut the door.

"You're a natural." He pushed off the wall and walked back down to the next patient, signalling for her to come through. Sister Bernadette walked back to her table and carried on filling in x-ray cards, one now being her own.


	11. Chapter Eleven

The day was long and drawn out but everyone stayed enthusiastic to the last. Evening came and Sister Bernadette left for Nonnatus house making herself some toast as soon as she arrived. She was still smiling though. It had been a brilliant day, watching Dr Turner care for his patients made her smile; he was so dedicated and gentle. She couldn't help beaming at the memories of the day as she ate.

Sister Julienne came in and sat with her for a while, both saying nothing, just happy after a days hard work done well. They ate and both had a cup of tea.

"It was a good day wasn't it?" Sister Julienne broke the silence. Sister Bernadette looked up from her tea which she had been blowing to cool down.

"It was perfect, we had so many people come down. Even if one or two lives have been saved today it'll make it worth it." She smiled and took a sip of tea.

Sister Julienne smiled back, opening her mouth to speak when the door went. She looked at the younger nun, both looked quizzical wondering who it could be. Sister Julienne moved off to answer it as Sister Bernadette washed the plates and cups humming to herself contentedly.

She heard talking in the hall but chose to ignore it, happily drying dishes and thinking about how well they had all done that day. The hall went very quiet all of a sudden and she became almost hyper aware of the silence of the house. She had just put the last dish up to drain when she heard footsteps behind her. Turning she saw Sister Julienne standing looking a little anxious.

"Sister is something the matter?" Sister Bernadette put down the towel she was holding and walked over to the older nun with a concerned look.

"Dr Turner would like to speak with you alone. He is waiting for you next door." Sister Bernadette stared at Sister Julienne a minute, hundreds of thoughts running through her mind about what he could want and what he may have said. She then nodded and walked out of the room.

She walked in and couldn't help beaming at the doctor when she saw him. His presence calmed her in a way she'd be ashamed to admit. He looked worried however which unnerved her slightly.

"Doctor Turner." She smiled up at him, her heart suddenly beating harder.

"Sister." He smiled but his worry never fully left his features.

"What day we had." Sister Bernadette looked up at him, worry creeping into her.

"Indeed." His smile faded as he looked at her. She swallow slightly, a frown etching it was into her features mirror his.

"Is all well?" She frowned slightly, her insides turning cold as he hesitated before speaking. He swallowed and looked away then back at her as if he didn't know what to say.

"Would you mind sitting?"

"Of course." It was all she could manage. The rustle of clothing filled the room as the both sat opposite each other. The table between them creating a chasm she longed to remove. She didn't like his expression being so downcast and had an almost overwhelming urge to sooth his brow and offer tea.

He said nothing once sat and immediately opened his tattered brown case next to him. He removed a small x-ray that Sister Bernadette had become very familiar with over the course of the day. She looked at him, trying to see into his eyes. He on the other hand seemed to be deliberately avoiding hers. He looked anywhere but at her, sliding the x-ray across the table to her, taking his hands away before she took it.

She glanced at him once more full of worry before she examined the x-ray. She read the name and she felt cold and a little confused. No sooner had the confusion come it left and dread filled it's place.

"This has my name on it." She took her hands off the x-ray, not wanting to touch the offending film.

"Yes." He clasped his hands in front of him. His voice sounded soft but strained. "The lesions are small, but there is more than one."

She nodded slightly, now it was her turn to avoid his eyes. She daren't show weakness, but tears where threatening.

"I see." She breathed a calming breath before looking at him again. "How many?" As she looked at him she wished she hadn't, his eyes betrayed the hurt he felt and she wanted nothing more than to console the man.

"Doctor McGuinness counted nine or ten in the upper lobe." He looked her in the eye but she could see how difficult he was finding this.

She looked at the table, emotion warring inside her. This news was awful for her but she also felt bad for him. Logically and as a nurse she knew she may be fine but she was scared, scared beyond she had thought possible. She had spent weeks worrying and praying and now this illness could end it all, one way or another. And yet it didn't feel like an answer.

"But as you know," he continued solemly, "this film is basic, you will need a more detailed chest x-ray."

She couldn't look at him now. Her world seemed to be falling apart. Was this punishment? Was it confirmation? She didn't know what to think. Her life could end and she was terrified for the man sat opposite her. She felt her breathing become faster as she tried to keep her emotions at bay and her tears stemmed.

"Have you had any symptoms?" His voice was soft and full of concern.

"No." She was sure she would have realised. And if she had she would have told him or someone at least, he needed to know that. "Well a- a little breathlessness maybe."

She looked at him, his face full of compassion and concern and wanted to cry. Why now, they had done so well today. People had come and yet they both had to be here instead of celebrating.

"No cough?" He knew this wasn't the only symptom but it was the most common and wanted this to not be true. They both did.

"No, nothing." She looked back at the table.

"I will have to carry out an examination." He sounded like the idea was unthinkable and yet she knew it was medically necessary, they both did. She felt her heart beat faster and thought the day couldn't get much worse.

"Yes," she nodded, speaking in barely a whisper.


	12. Chapter Twelve

After sitting for a few moments Dr Turner left the room with a quiet explanation to do with speaking to sister Julienne. Sister Bernadette half listened but mostly sat there feeling numb and frightened. She didn't know what to expect and didn't want to carry on with the examination or another x-ray or anything else required of her. If she were completely honest she wanted to crawl into her bed and stay there, possibly shedding a few tears as she went.

But she knew that wasn't an option.

She looked up as Sister Julienne walked in looking grave. She walked silently over to Sister Bernadette and took one of her hands gently.

"Come child." She needn't say more. Sister Bernadette stood and followed the other nun silently.

Dr Turner was waiting outside the door and followed behind them in a slow procession. He too seemed greatly upset by the news and Sister Julienne thanked God that they had a friend as well as a professional to help in this time.

They all walked slowly into Sister Julienne's office and the door was closed quietly. The silence was deafening.

"I'll need to listen to your lungs." Dr Turner knew he didn't have to elaborate and watched Sister Bernadette swallow hard as she nodded.

She started taking her collar off but her fingers were shaking, she fumbled slightly but got it off and placed in on the desk. She went to the buttons on her tabard, and found these even more challenging. To her relief Sister Julienne came to her aid. Unfastening each button carefully.

Dr Turner tried not to watch the proceedings knowing this was awkward enough without wanting it to become more uncomfortable than necessary. He saw Sister Julienne help the tabard of Sister Bernadette's small frame and he suddenly realised how tiny this woman was. She was fragile and at that moment scared. He wished nothing more than to make her feel at ease but knew he could do nothing to help her. And if he could it would be wildly inappropriate.

He turned away as Sister Bernadette's fingers went to her buttons. He knew they had to be undone, the last layer to her chest but he didn't need to torment himself, or her, by watching.

He heard Sister Julienne move away to the corner and assumed it was to make room for him to examine the patient. He wished he could just call her a patient, not that being a patient was unimportant but it may make it easier for him to focus.

He walked up behind Sister Bernadette and placed his stethoscope in his ears. She didn't turn or acknowledge his presence but he knew she was aware he was there. He breathing was shallow and he noticed her trying to keep it quiet, whether for his benefit or Sister Julienne he didn't know.

Holding the end of the stethoscope in one hand he lifted the other to move Sister Bernadette's habit away from her skin. He hesitated. He didn't know why, this was routine and would be done on any other patient he would be visiting in the next couple of days but with her.

He moved the cloth slightly and placed the chest piece against her skin. He heard rather than felt the sharp intake of breath. He listened for a second, her heart beat steadily but he could hear it becoming faster.

"Breath in." He swallowed, his throat felt dry, "and out." She did and he could hear it. He didn't want to but he could. As she breathed out almost a sigh he heard the crackles and wished he were anywhere but in this room.

He moved the chest piece across her back, careful about the amount of movement. He didn't want to spook her or cause any more stress than was needed. This was hard for them both and he was acutely aware of the elder nun standing in the corner, a look of pure worry on her face.

"And again." She breathed again and he felt ill as he listened. He could hear it clearly and wondered why her. He blinked purposefully and moved the chest piece away.

As he moved away she turned slowly. He knew she was aware of procedure but the fact she was willingly moving for him made him sad for a reason he didn't want to identify.

She stood facing him, neither of them looking at each other. He kept his eyes on his stethoscope and moved his hand up to adjust her clothes. He moved he habit out of the way and the top of her slip down a fraction to place the chest piece again.

Her breath was audible to him as it caught. His fingers slightly grazing her chest as he listened to the evidence of her illness. Her face was turned away from him as she breathed, he could tell if was taking some effort for her to keep her breathing regular. In fact he was experiencing the same effort.

He tried to keep his hands stead and professional as he moved the chest piece across her front, careful to not touch her unless he needed to. He felt awful as he listened one last time, this time for barely a few seconds.

He took his hands away and took a very deliberate step back as he took the stethoscope from his ears. He was thinking as he did so, looking at the floor. He tore his eyes upward to look at the two nuns who both required his findings regardless of what they already knew to be true.

He sighed and looked up, "Crackles," he said to Sister Julienne, not quite ready to look at Sister Bernadette, "on both sides."

He looked at the small woman in front of him, her head bowed as she did her habit up. He could tell she was trying to hide her face, he wished she wouldn't but his couldn't be easy for her.

"I've arrange an x-ray for you in the morning." He looked at Sister Julienne then back to Sister Bernadette who was still dressing. "It might be more convenient if I drive you." She still hadn't looked at him, he felt as if she would never again want to.

"Thank you doctor." Sister Julienne moved forward to Sister Bernadette's side.

"You don't need to do that." Sister Bernadette glanced at him, her voice full of kindness as usual and his heart broke for her.

"I'll drive you." He wasn't letting her be the strong one this time. She looked so innocent and fragile in front of him, as if she would cry. She looked forlorn as she looked up at Sister Julienne as if for support. He wasn't letting her do this alone; whether he would be there as a doctor or friend he was going to be there.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Sister Bernadette didn't remember the doctor leaving, or any of the arrangements made for the next day. She was thinking even more about her life. The thoughts she'd had recently about a man she couldn't have and how she had tried to find solace in God. Was He now punishing her for failing? She couldn't think like that but her head was against her and her heart ached in her chest.

She just about remembers being guided to her room and being helped into her night clothes by Sister Julienne. Nothing was said but every gesture was done with tenderness and love and every time Sister Bernadette noticed she fought back tears, she couldn't be seen crying over this, not after the triumph of the day.

Sister Julienne smiled at her friend and muttered something about the kitchen and slowly left the room. Sister Bernadette smiled slightly as the other left but it dropped as soon as the door was closed. She let out a sigh and again fought back tears. She would not cry, not until there was a reason to do so.

She lay back in bed and thought back to the beginning of the evening. When Doctor Turner had arrived she was so happy to see him. His eyes were so warm and yet so worried. That worry was for her, and in realising that she knew she loved him more than she had known, it made everything so much harder.

She shook her head willing the memory of his hands away. It was not good to dwell on innocent touches. His examination of her was fresh in her mind, his carefulness. He barely moved most of the time, as if he were afraid she would disappear or run away and his touch. She remembered her cheeks flushing as she realised he could hear her heart beat faster than usual.

She half smiled at them memory as a tear fell from her eye. "This won't do." She said it out loud like it would break the spell. Reaching instinctively she raised her bible to her eyes flipping the pages willing something that would calm her or at least give her an essence of peace.

ˡ I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

2 My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.

3 O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

5 They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.

6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.

8 O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

9 O fear the Lord, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him.

10 The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.

She couldn't finish the psalm. Rubbing her temples slightly at the sudden pain she placed her book back on the side just as the door opened.

Sister Julienne walked in carrying a mug of something steaming. She placed it on the bedside table looking sombre but trying to be cheery.

"The milk will help you sleep." She stood straight looking at her friend; this was hard on them both.

"Thank you, Sister." Sister Bernadette smiled up at her friend and watched as Sister Julienne moved to sit on the bed just as there was a knock at the door and Jane entered.

"Sister, sorry to disturb you," Jane glance apologetically at Sister Bernadette, "but Nurse Lee has asked for you to come to the Master's Arms pub at once. Miss Masterson has gone into labour and Mr Masterson has taken a turn for the worse."

Sister Bernadette looked up at Sister Julienne knowing her friend would refuse, but she wouldn't let her. This is life, and life must go on.

"We will fetch Sister Evangelina," Sister Julienne turned to the younger nun, "and ask her to go in my place."

"Sister you must go." Sister Bernadette was resolute.

"I don't wish you to be alone." Sister Julienne looked down at her charge with sadness, leaving her alone after such an evening as the last thing she wanted to do.

"Sister, if you continue with your work as normal then nothing will be out of sorts. Nothing will have changed." Sister Bernadette knew this would work, apart from the instinct to mother her, Sister Julienne would also want to act as if nothing was wrong so as not to make her feel like an invalid and to keep up hope.

Sister Julienne knew what she was doing and gave her a small knowing smile. Her friend was brave as she was stubborn, it was endearing to behold and also sad. She gave a small nod.

"As you wish."

Another smile and Sister Bernadette watched the older nun leave the room, a sad smiling following her as she closed the door. She let out a tiny sigh and shifted back a little to get comfortable in bed. Sleep, she knew wouldn't come, for two reasons. The first was the terrifying news she'd received today, her life may be in the balance and yet the second reason was keeping her more awake than that.

The second reason was in the morning she would see him again and that would keep her up any night. She sighed again and allowed the tears to come, placing her hand over her mouth to quieten the sobs she gave in to the sadness left by the day.

**Author's Note:**

> Outlet for my feelings at the time. Also it was fun to explore. This is also on FF.net.


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